Loop.

Peace be upon you.

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Endorphins
A flawed novice observer.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Saya pun egoistik jugaaa.






Perkara ni berkaitan dengan sesi di akuarium baru baru ini.
Macam biasa
dibahan, bergurau, berkongsi.
Masing masing cuba menghiburkan diri.
Lalu adalah seorang makhluk Allah
pasang video Ustaz Don di YouTube.
Lupa pulak la video apa namanya.
Tapi inti sari dia bolehlah disimpulkan.
Ianya berkenaan ibubapa.


Sampai suatu saat
dia bercerita pasal mandi mayat.
Bukan aku gentar. Bukan aku geli.
Dan bukan kerana ayahku.
Ianya kerana dalam hati ini
timbul perasaan takut
akan kehilangan ibuku.
Hilangnya dia, hilanglah diriku.
Itu satu. Jadi aku terbayang pulak
Kami beradik yang mandikan dia.
Jauhnya kami, kami berkumpul jua, demi ini.
Allahu Akbar.


Aku sedar, ibu hanya ada kami, anak anaknya.
Kamilah hartanya. Kamilah nyawanya.
Jadi secara harfiahnya, memang fokusnya jatuh ke atas kami.
Dan sudah tentu, harta dan kasihnya, dicurah ke atas kami.
No one would understand and love us the way she does.
Sebab itu, walau rapat mana sekalipun dengan sahabatku
ada saja yang tersimpan.
Takkan la nak pentingkan diri
lalu minta diorang utamakan kita lebih dari keluarga sendiri.
Tolong kawan lebih, tolong keluarga? Hareemmm.
Masing masing punya hidup sendiri. Biarlah.
Jadi datanglah ego tu. Ego itulah yang buatkan aku indie.
Ego itulah yang langsung tak langsung membuatkan aku memendam.
Ego itulah yang jadikan aku degil.


Hilangnya dia, hilanglah aku.


Entah dia tahu ke tidak
aku memang perlukan dia sebenarnya.
Hakikatnya, aku ni penakut. Lemah. Resah. Semua ada. Lengkap set.
Tapi cukuplah sekadar suaranya menyapa.
I feel better. Stronger. Brand new.
Kalaulah aku seberani selalu
untuk meluahkan segalanya.


Hilangnya dia, hilanglah aku.


Bukannya kakak aku semuanya tak pedulikan aku.
Of course they cared. They loved me, I see that.
Like I said, masing masing punya hidup sendiri.
Ada keluarga. Ada kawan. Ada tanggungjawab.
Belajar je la berdiri sendiri.
Susah memang susah. Masih perlukan tunjuk ajar.
Tapi, alah bisa tegal biasa.
Mereka ni manalah dapat faham aku
yang sukar dijangka dan suka memendam ni.


And of course, that's when the ego comes in useful.
Hilangnya dia, hilanglah aku.
Kekuatanku. Hala tujuku. Semangatku.


Inilah yang bermain di fikiranku
bila video itu dimainkan.
Aku terbayang, lalu takut dan sebak.
Aku bangun, dan melangkah keluar.
Rasa macam biadab pun ada.
Tapi - lagi sekali, ego - aku tak mahu menangis depan orang.
Kalau boleh, prevent it at all costs!
Tapi tak nangis pun akhirnya. Tak jadi keluar mungkin.


Bila aku masuk balik
yang pasang video tu
pandaaaaang je aku, seolah olah nak merungkai sesuatu.
Takpe, selagi Allah izinkan, boleh la kita semua nak kenal hati budi bagai. Haaa.
Hahahah :D


Hilangnya dia, hilanglah segalanya.
Aku pun egoistik juga.





Tuesday, March 27, 2012

(Sad?) Mother, my strength. (I regret nothing.)








So I got into this deep thinking phase where all the sudden I was just thinking about my mum
and nobody else.

Not the damned jerk who cussed every time he talks to me. There, I said it, he's a jerk. Gosh,
those 2 people must be nodding in approval by now

Not the buddies who are always up for a trip to the glass study room aka 'aquarium' almost every other night.

Not my Finals. Well, not saying that I'm a total genius that I could simply lay off studying till the last couple of days.

Just my mum.

Then I begin to think of all the heart-breaking endings I could imagine -

What if she suddenly left the way my dad did?

What if I wasn't even there to see her go, like the day he left?

What if I couldn't get the chance to say 'I love you' for the first time in 20 years of my life before she left, just like that day?

And when she's gone, how will I be?

Will I finally break down and just cry for days, unlike that day, because I thought, 'it's fine, mum's still here. Still can try to pull through'? Or hold it back in?

Will everyone know about this, or will I try so hard to make sure that not anyone apart from my buddies, classmates and relatives would know about this? Or just go by the policy of, 'if they know, it's fine, if they don't, it's fine too'?

If it happened when I was having one of my lecture classes, will I cry like mad or just put up a still expression like I always do until I get in the bus?

Or will I just disappear for days, not answering calls, not replying texts, and POOF appear out of nowhere and reluctantly explain the whole, long thing up?

Oh God, I will never know. All I know, is that by the time she's gone, I'll be broken. You remember how Harry Potter looked like when he saw Sirius Black died before him? I could react just like that if I couldn't get a grip on myself.

It's not that I don't have other relatives with me. I do have sisters. But I have to face the truth,
that no one could understand me or love me the way she does.
My sisters got their own lives. And my friends too.

And to tell you the truth, if it weren't for her
I would have stayed in the campus for the whole semester.
Study week included. Long paper gaps too.

I just want to let it out.

I will never know what could've happened. Only Allah does.

It's not that I could set it in my brain that when this happens
this is how I'm going to react and actually rehearse in front of a mirror or something.
Gosh that's just so.. urgh

I can't say that I don't want to lose her. She'll leave anyway.

It's just that.. I will feel so alone.

I don't mind being far from her.
Everywhere is fine, as long as I know she's with me when I need her.

And when's she's gone?

This is going to take all of me.





Thursday, March 22, 2012

Allah SWT is All-Knowing, and he knows best, love.






Assalamualaikum, love.


You're nasty. Foul. Egoistic, even.
But I have to admit, when I received your unexpected texts
giving me support, trying to push me forward
I'm the happiest girl on Earth, words just can't describe.
I was like a giddy schoolgirl
smiling and laughing non-stop. Excited sangat. XD
Everytime I study, I would stop for a minute
and just read the texts. Again and again.
I thank Allah for bringing us together.


My only prayer.. is that someday
you won't hide just how much you care.
It's even hard for you to admit that you do care, because of your ego.
And truth be told, 10 months is just too long.
But I can never hate you, or judge you
because jerk or not, everyone has a story, right?
I know there are some stories you held back from me, and it's okay
because I hold things back too.


This doesn't mean that this is the end.
It's a beginning for both you and me - maybe just not with each other.
You'll be with the woman who will love you, understand you and appreciate you
better than I do.
And me with the man who will look deeper through
my craziness, unpredictability and occasional still expressions.
It hurts me that this can't be worked out. Seriously it did.
But I always have faith that Allah SWT knows what's best for us.
No matter how horrible this appears
He indeed knows best, there's no denying that.
If things are meant to be, we'll cross paths again.
But if we don't we both know where we stand, love.


No matter what, please treasure our memories and never ever think
that I hate you, or that I don't care.
Let's both change for the better, you and I.
We're not perfect, remember?
So there's no reason to act like we are.
Every feeling I have for you is always sincere. I love you.


Wassalam.






Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just what I need :)






Mama posted on my wall.


It may seem trivial
but it came when I least expect it.. and when I truly need it.
The truth is I've never been so down.
The last time I did
was when my dad passed.
Then everything kind of going down in spirals.


I thought I was doing fine.
I thought I could cope with this.
I thought I was strong.
Damn, just how wrong I was.


If I'm fine, I would have never got into trouble.
If I could cope with this, I would have never even fall.
If I'm strong, I wouldn't cry as much.


But it doesn't matter now.
I just wanted you around
and calm me down.
I'm freaking out.
I'm still new to this world, I don't know what to do
and I don't want to tell you anything
because I want you to trust me
but I still want your warmth around me.


I still want your love.


Mum, I'm really sorry if I'm never good enough
or that if I'll never be
but I need you
because I'm quite lost right now
and I want you to tell me it's going to be fine somehow.


Mama I need you.