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A flawed novice observer.
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Tuesday, October 30, 2012



'Pride and Prejudice'
by Jane Austen.

Published in the early 1800s.
I have read a fair share of books
but this book will forever be my all-time favorite.

Read it sometime; it's awesome!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I'm traditional that way.

While I was reading
'The Perks Of Being a Wallflower'

I was brought into the world belonged to Charlie,
and I feel what he feels.

Such is the pleasure of reading.

books still rock.

The pleasure in flipping the pages,
the scent,
and the peace and privacy it brings.

I'm still reading it.
Perhaps I'll post about it once I'm done.

Friday, October 26, 2012

So, what will you bring with you?

This is how I see you.

Siblings from another mother and father.
This doesn't need explanation;
it's almost too obvious by now.

A gift, a present.
You know that feeling you get
when a special someone gives you something?
It makes you feel happy, loved and content; right?
Now think of yourselves that way -
as a gift from Allah Taala.
And yes, I feel happy, loved and content.
In return, I try to appreciate His gift -
by giving thanks, and treat them well.
I could not thank Him enough for giving me you,
and I try to treat you well.

A platform to increase my deeds.
Every moment I get to be with you
is a chance for me to do good.
It takes patience on my part, and truthfully, that's where I lacked;
but I try. I really do.
All of it was an investment for the hereafter.
Truly, I hope it is sufficient..

'melalui kalian, aku mengumpul bekalan untuk ke akhirat kelak.'

It is a fact that I know and understand well.
And I hope you do too.

If I am called to meet Him sooner than you,
I will bring with me my 'investments'
and you will carry in your hearts the memories we once had.

A reminder to you, to me, and to them
should our end arrives, perhaps, too soon and unexpected.

So, what will you bring with you?

Salam Aidiladha.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

As infinite as He allows us to be.

A simple post to kill time.

A simple post to fill a void of time
which was usually filled with

a casual walk down the block
a nap
reading a digital article
or a lunch with them.

And then on the night
starting 30 minutes after 9, almost every night,
the dinner.

If things could get any crazier
we will return to our rooms
at the wee hours of the morning.
Many times we would go separate ways at.. 3 am.
Sometimes, even later.

A couple of truth or dares
A night to sing our lungs out
A night where we will all bring our laptops
and share things
take pictures
have tweet and comment wars

As infinite as we can dream.

I have been blessed
with Islam
with a family
with a bunch of people, who came as lessons for me to learn from
with a pair of eyes to witness
with a heart, curious to understand
with a love abundant; a level below my mother's
with strength; which I hope is an equal to my father's
and you, you, you, you, you, you and you.

These blessings He bestowed upon us
are way too many for us to form a list.

I hope I have done enough
so that when the time comes
when it will end somehow, I will have no regrets.

You are in my thoughts and prayers
for as long as I can remember.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

If I could share this..

I was in Malacca
with my mother and sister.

We went to the historical hotspots.
St Paul Church.
Stadthuys Building.
And my sister, as always
just keeps taking pictures.

We went shopping
and mother, oh mother
isn't she excited. :)

And then there were other people taking pictures.

They were fascinated.
Some by its beauty.
Some by its tale.
Others, the culture.

While I was there
I wonder, how it would have been
if all of us are there, together.

It would have been amazing
to share this growing curiosity and fascination
and the fun in between.

Well, a girl can hope.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Smiley saja, untuk 5 minggu mungkin.

Bermulalah 5 minggu
rehat dari segala.

Kini, sang remaja
menjadi lebih muda dari biasa.

Dan skill stalking kita semua
teruji di saat ini. Haa

Yela, nak jugak tengok apa jadi
kat geng gila gila sedunia kita
stok geli geli (bahasa formalnya 'skandal'; kalau ada la)
calon calon peneman hidup bagai

well, the list goes on. Hahah

Stalk di facebook
stalk di Twitter
stalk di Blogger
stalk di Youtube
stalk di Tumblr


Kerana smiley di alam maya
tidak seindah senyuman di depan mata.

See you guys next semester, insyaAllah.
Have a blast, and take care.

Monday, October 15, 2012

My bedtime story.

Once every few days
I would sit, or lie down on my bed - quietly
putting myself into your shoes.

I would wonder
how it feels like to be disliked
merely on the account of telling things as they are.

I would wonder
how it feels like to see someone you have loved dearly
to fall into your laps, forever gone.

I would wonder
how it feels like to have a lover
who is as adorable as an innocent child.

The best I could do is to only imagine.

And it was enough.

I could live on my own
because I know I have a problem fitting in somehow.
I just hope that whatever I'm going through,
they will never have to go through it.
And all these mistakes I have done
they will never be foolish enough to commit.
And dear God,
I pray that all these anger I have held within
will never see the light of day.

I can't imagine
bringing my loved one to the hospital
hoping endlessly that she would come back to life,
putting her 6 feet underground
and remembering her scent, the smile, the voice, the warmth
and know in a hard way that it just won't leave;
the same way how my dad's callous fingers
intertwined into mine -
one memory I try to shun away so that it would not hurt so much.

But I will always hope
I will find someone I could spoil
with love, with protection, and hopefully joy as well.
And the days, way ahead of us
will be filled with hopes, prayers, and dreams only He would understand.
I'm not an easy child, I know that very well
so if you stay, and Allah wills it
I'm all yours, till the end.

Your lives that you have revealed to me
were literally my bedtime stories.
Tales that He have created to teach me
everything that I have come to understand.

The good things you do
I would try to follow suit.
The bad mistakes you did
will serve as a reminder that I will not do the same.

All of you, my loves
were a godsend gift.
I am, after all, far from perfect.
In return, I try to love you as you are;
while trying to push you to a better direction.

And if only they knew
how much of a pleasure and bliss
giving and loving could be.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Words malfunction.

A developed habit, over the years.
So good at maintaining it,
it is almost natural to me now.

Hiding it all within so well
that I failed to say it in words.

I have learnt to hide; and I am getting better
but not a single lesson in revealing them have I taken
for as long as I have lived.

Knowing all the words to say
but in the end, they are just locked in.

How unfortunate; I type things better than I actually say it

Friday, October 12, 2012

Kulihat Angah.

Kulihat Angah, pada 10 Oktober.

Aku marah.
Aku kasihan.
Aku tertanya tanya.

Aku marah,
kerana dia masih terkenang akan masa lalu.
Kerana dia membiarkan kenangan menggenggam dirinya.
Kerana memori masa lampau itu membutakan dia
dari melihat kisah masa kini
yang sedang terbina di hadapannya,
dan mereka yang ada bersamanya, penuh kasih dan setia.

Namun kemudiannya,
timbul rasa kasihan di hati;
kerana dia hanya manusia,
yang berpegang pada cinta.
Cinta yang suatu masa dulu
menyerlahkan kemanusiaan adikku.

Lalu aku tertanya tanya
begitukah cinta? Dan,
kapankah hadirnya bahagia
yang akan mengembalikan seri wajah Angah?

Kebahagiaan di mana
akan mengajar Angah
bahawa cinta itu memanusiakan kita -
menampakkan kelemahan kita, namun pada saat yang sama
menggagahkan kita?

Cinta itu rumit.
Kita semua telah lama membahasakan cinta,
memburu definisi sebenar cinta.
Namun, kita tidak mampu.
Yang pasti, cinta hanya mampu difahami
di saat itu, di tempat itu, bersama orang itu.

Dan dalam pada itu, berkata si hati
Subhanallah, indahnya cinta.

Tanggal 10 Oktober 2012, aku menangis
melihatkan adikku, Angah menghidupkan kembali memori itu.
Sejelas mungkin.
Tragisnya hikayat itu, detus hatiku.
Dan nyata hatiku terlalu lembut untuk menahannya.
Begitulah cinta. Yang besar itu efeknya, yang kekal itu lukanya.

Terdetik di hatiku
barangkali dia dibelenggu rasa bersalah.
Namun demi Allah,
jika aku tahu, sudah lama dia aku bantu.
Buat pertama kali, aku lemah dan bebal
dalam menangani apa yang sedang berlaku di hadapanku.

Namun aku tahu kini, bahawa wanita itu inginkan apa yang aku inginkan -
dia inginkan Angah untuk bahagia.

Dan aku berdoa agar Allah Taala panjangkan umurku
cukup panjang untuk aku akhirnya dapat berbakti kepada bonda,
dan juga melihat Angah bahagia;
Angah, salah seorang adikku yang aku kasihi.

Aku berdoa, agar bila saat bahagia itu tiba
akan tercetus satu rasa
membangkitkan Angah untuk akhirnya berani menampakkan manusianya dia,
dan saat itu juga akan menyerlahkan
sifat kepimpinannya, baik di dunia dan di akhirat.

Tidak mengapa, Angah. Ambillah masa selama perlu,
akan kunantikan saat itu, aku pasti.
Aku percayakan kemampuanmu.

Ya Rabbi, aku panjatkan hajatku kepadaMu,
kerana Engkaulah sebaik baik pengkabul hajat.

Hari ini hari Jumaat. Sayyidul Ayyam - penghulu segala hari.
Sudikah kau mendengarkan cerita al-Kahfi bersamaku, wahai cinta Angah?


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Hope it's not too late.

As always, Batman teases Chipmunk about that guy.
As always, puzzled Chipmunk is puzzled.

"Why, out of thousands of guys in this campus, did you pick him?"
"Because you have feelings for him."
"That was last year's story."
"It doesn't matter what happens - the feelings fade but they don't die."
"You keep mentioning his name this semester.. why?"
"I was hoping."
"Hoping that I'll change my mind?"
"No - I was hoping that it would work. But I was a step too late."

For 3 semesters,
you hoped that he and I will somehow be together.
I don't know why.

I'm telling you, I feel bad.
You hoped - relentlessly - for 3 semesters, a happiness between him and me.
You're the one who tried to work it out
when the two of us were distanced by so many elements.
Worse yet, we didn't even try.

I don't know why; but I was heartbroken.
Not by the fact that we are not together -
but you.. you remind me of a kid who has just lost his favorite toy -

sad, helpless, and lost.

I understand that you made the choice.
But I can't help what I'm feeling.
And I really wanted you to be happy, too.

Better yet, if it actually worked out,
I really, really, really want you to be as happy as I am.
That you, too, will find someone.

Someone, whom we both agree, will never be the same
as the one you once had;
but definitely someone, I have faith,
so much better; and whom He created,
just for you.

And I assure you
WE will be looking forward to meet her. :)

If the picture of him and me being together
is the one that will make you happy,

then for your sake,
I hope it happens.
and I hope, that He hears my silent prayer.

The way I see it,
you knew and saw something I don't know and see.
If you could believe that it could work out,
then I must believe in you.

I wonder if my 'yes' actually matters now,
and if this last semester I will have soon, will make any difference;

but I know for sure
that I wish to see that victorious, teasing, content smile on your face -
a smile I have longed to see -
when you witness

our hope came true.

And with our prayers, a miracle might just happen.

Monday, October 1, 2012

And so a battle ensues.

Taking some time off from studying IMD253
to wish everyone 'all the best' to the entire population of UiTM!

And of course, to the beloved-

Abang Long, Abang Ngah, Abang Lang, Abang Cik
Kak Jah, Kak Cik, and Kak Cu.

Serius korang adorable gila. Hahahah

*tapi jangan la datang kat aku dan kata
"aku adorable kan kan KAN?"
gelimat la aku nanti, trauma sejam, jangan la jangan la

You know, I wish there is a picture of us.
Bila agaknya boleh tangkap gambar berlapan, eh?

Man jadda wa jadda.
Wassalam :)