Once every few days
I would sit, or lie down on my bed - quietly
putting myself into your shoes.
I would wonder
how it feels like to be disliked
merely on the account of telling things as they are.
I would wonder
how it feels like to see someone you have loved dearly
to fall into your laps, forever gone.
I would wonder
how it feels like to have a lover
who is as adorable as an innocent child.
The best I could do is to only imagine.
And it was enough.
I could live on my own
because I know I have a problem fitting in somehow.
I just hope that whatever I'm going through,
they will never have to go through it.
And all these mistakes I have done
they will never be foolish enough to commit.
And dear God,
I pray that all these anger I have held within
will never see the light of day.
I can't imagine
bringing my loved one to the hospital
hoping endlessly that she would come back to life,
putting her 6 feet underground
and remembering her scent, the smile, the voice, the warmth
and know in a hard way that it just won't leave;
the same way how my dad's callous fingers
intertwined into mine -
one memory I try to shun away so that it would not hurt so much.
But I will always hope
I will find someone I could spoil
with love, with protection, and hopefully joy as well.
And the days, way ahead of us
will be filled with hopes, prayers, and dreams only He would understand.
I'm not an easy child, I know that very well
so if you stay, and Allah wills it
I'm all yours, till the end.
Your lives that you have revealed to me
were literally my bedtime stories.
Tales that He have created to teach me
everything that I have come to understand.
The good things you do
I would try to follow suit.
The bad mistakes you did
will serve as a reminder that I will not do the same.
All of you, my loves
were a godsend gift.
I am, after all, far from perfect.
In return, I try to love you as you are;
while trying to push you to a better direction.
And if only they knew
how much of a pleasure and bliss
giving and loving could be.
