Peace be upon you.

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A flawed novice observer.
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Friday, January 20, 2012

That mini heart attack.

I love you. :)

But then

there is only

so much patience and loyalty in me

but so little time.

I don't know if you'll ever come back. After all, you said

"Don't look out for me.
Don't ask your friends about me."

A part of me wondered


Childish as it might sound. Hahahah

if there's still a tiny part of you
still cared for me.

But I will never know.
And I don't think it's worth knowing.
We are so far apart.
We've fallen apart. We're breaking apart.
We ARE apart.

Believe me, the status
'rupa rupanya, terlalu memendam sebenarnya tak bagus untuk jantung'
was written because
during a 10am class, at SL
I had some kind of a mini heart attack.
Something what people often refer to as tight chest. Semput, to be precise.
Ya, aku ni semput.
I can run, further and further, if I practiced.
Dan, kalau diikutkan, aku ni fit je sebenarnya. Hahahah
But my body can never take so much.
And it happened today
one, I saw you online. And
two, I accidentally saw again the message you sent me.
Probably the stupidest thing that has ever happened to me
out of just as stupid reasons.
But yeah, this stupid thing just actually happened.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you.
I just didn't expect this to affect me so much.

Then it reminded me of something a classmate told me
this is what I get for holding back for far too long.
It affects the heart. You know, the pressure. Stress. Emotional toll.
Hiding what I actually feel.
Shut my feelings down, completely
and eventually just keep a straight face.
Admit it, no one cares when you're miserable
so you might as well be happy.
True story.

When I saw the message the first time
I cried. The stupid mini heart attack came.
First, you thought I hated to see your face.
And now you say I don't need you anymore.
Well faak you for not asking.
Faak you for not trying to understand.
Stupid stupid stupid.

A friend said
I'm too straight. Direct translation of 'lurus bendul', hahahah
Yela, macam kau cakap - naif dan malang.
People take advantage of me
because I'm faaking nice.
"So you're saying he's taking advantage of me?" I asked him.
"In a way, yes," my friend replied.

Like I said, aku mana la reti pedajal orang. It's not my style.
Besides, I can assure you
Now I cried because I couldn't fix this,
but if someday I cry because a person hurts me (teraniaya, kan.)
or steals my property (anak yatim, kan.)
He will make you pay.
Believe me, you will feel what I feel. Someday.
And I hope, when it does
cleanse yourself.
Free yourself of hate, envy, anger, anything
that could make you forget Him.
Rasulullah SAW forgives. Why can't we?

I can never hate you. I loved you, still.
And it'll always be like that, even if eventually
it will be just as a friend.
Hate.. is too heavy a feeling.
I'm not 20 yet - God forbid heart attacks hit me so young.

Readers, do me a favour
don't tell my mum or my sisters about this mini heart attack thingy. Please.
It never helps. They'll only worry
and I extremely dislike it when they start worrying.
Please. I'll be fine.

2 hello(s):

Nafisah Ruslan said...

dont worry.. fsa tak kan bgtau sesape.. hehe

a UiTM Student said...

hahah! thanks memahami, Fisah :)