That mini heart attack.

I love you. :)

But then

there is only

so much patience and loyalty in me

but so little time.

I don't know if you'll ever come back. After all, you said

"Don't look out for me.

Don't ask your friends about me."

A part of me wondered

WHY DON'T YOU JUST REMOVE ME

OFF YOUR DAMNED FACEBOOK?

Childish as it might sound. Hahahah

And

if there's still a tiny part of you

still cared for me.

But I will never know.

And I don't think it's worth knowing.

We are so far apart.

We've fallen apart. We're breaking apart.

We ARE apart.

Believe me, the status

'rupa rupanya, terlalu memendam sebenarnya tak bagus untuk jantung'

was written because

during a 10am class, at SL

I had some kind of a mini heart attack.

Something what people often refer to as tight chest. Semput, to be precise.

Ya, aku ni semput.

I can run, further and further, if I practiced.

Dan, kalau diikutkan, aku ni fit je sebenarnya. Hahahah

But my body can never take so much.

And it happened today

because

one, I saw you online. And

two, I accidentally saw again the message you sent me.

Probably the stupidest thing that has ever happened to me

out of just as stupid reasons.

But yeah, this stupid thing just actually happened.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you.

I just didn't expect this to affect me so much.

Then it reminded me of something a classmate told me

this is what I get for holding back for far too long.

It affects the heart. You know, the pressure. Stress. Emotional toll.

Hiding what I actually feel.

Shut my feelings down, completely

and eventually just keep a straight face.

Admit it, no one cares when you're miserable

so you might as well be happy.

True story.

When I saw the message the first time

I cried. The stupid mini heart attack came.

First, you thought I hated to see your face.

And now you say I don't need you anymore.

Well faak you for not asking.

Faak you for not trying to understand.

Stupid stupid stupid.

A friend said

I'm too straight. Direct translation of 'lurus bendul', hahahah

Yela, macam kau cakap - naif dan malang.

People take advantage of me

because I'm faaking nice.

"So you're saying he's taking advantage of me?" I asked him.

"In a way, yes," my friend replied.

Like I said, aku mana la reti pedajal orang. It's not my style.

Besides, I can assure you

Now I cried because I couldn't fix this,

but if someday I cry because a person hurts me (teraniaya, kan.)

or steals my property (anak yatim, kan.)

He will make you pay.

Believe me, you will feel what I feel. Someday.

And I hope, when it does

cleanse yourself.

Free yourself of hate, envy, anger, anything

that could make you forget Him.

Rasulullah SAW forgives. Why can't we?

I can never hate you. I loved you, still.

And it'll always be like that, even if eventually

it will be just as a friend.

Hate.. is too heavy a feeling.

I'm not 20 yet - God forbid heart attacks hit me so young.

Readers, do me a favour

don't tell my mum or my sisters about this mini heart attack thingy. Please.

It never helps. They'll only worry

and I extremely dislike it when they start worrying.

Please. I'll be fine.