Peace be upon you.

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A flawed novice observer.
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The crowd.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Johari Window?

I am who I am.
I smile at almost every situation.
Happy, angry, sad.
I learned to accept you.
And I'm happy about that - it makes you YOU.
Why don't you try it on me for a change? 

I tend to bottle up my feelings.
Therefore, I don't show what I feel.
So don't think I feel nothing when you do or say a certain way.
Even saying that I don't have emotions is enough to hurt me
because it shows that you choose to judge me
rather than to understand me
and.. it made me feel.. alone.
Save for Him though. 

If you don't know, ask.
If you don't understand, ask.
I would tell you
if you know how to ask.
Otherwise, get out
and let's just keep a distance.

If you want to see me, allow me see you
and I'll always be there, to look out for you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I've got the kerosene and the desire.

We're on an open bed truck on the highway
Rain is coming down and we're on the run
Think I can feel the breath in your body
We gotta keep on running til' we see the sun

Oh you gotta fire and it's burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same
And you don't look back, not for anything
'Cause love someone, love them all the same
If you love someone, love them all the same

Oh I'm feeling your heartbeat
And oh, you're coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
I'm singing oh.. I'm feeling your heartbeat

I'm trying to put it all back together
I've got a story and I'm trying to tell it right
I've got the kerosene and the desire
I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Oh you gotta fire and it's burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same
And you don't look back, not for anything
'Cause you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Oh, I'm feeling your heartbeat
And oh, you're coming around, coming around, coming around
If you can love somebody, love them all the same
You gotta love somebody, love them all the same
I'm singing, oh.. I'm feeling your heartbeat

I know the memories rushing into mind
I want to kiss your scars tonight
I'm laying here
'Cause you've gotta try, you've gotta let me in, let me in

Oh I'm feeling your heartbeat
And oh, you're coming around, coming around, coming around
You love somebody, you gotta, you gotta love somebody
You gotta, I'm singing.. oh, I'm feeling your heartbeat,
Oh, your heartbeat, yeah
Oh, your heartbeat, yeah
 Oh, your heartbeat

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Even if it hurts.

of places.

keep hoping.. even if waiting for the miracle
hurts you so much.

saye xkan makan cupcake ni! SAYE JANJI!

Monday, October 24, 2011


You pissed me off the day before the game began.
It wasn't the embarassment.
It was the fact that you didn't stick to what you said.
Needless to say
Aku marah.

Tapi.. akhirnya aku bertemu lagi dengan kau.
Dah tak cukup aku tengah menyirap
pastu kene menghadap muka kau setiap hari.

You pissed me off on the day we're going back home - today.
I told you, "balik nanti saing ea."
I asked you yesterday, "bertolak dari kampus kol bape?"
You said, "tengok la dulu."
The next thing I know
I SMSed you this morning, "korang kat ne?"
The reply? "OTW gi busstand."
That time, I was like, "dude, I told you yesterday.."
Needless to say
Aku hangin satu badan.

Tapi.. alih2, satu bas ngan hang.

Jadahnye niii?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I am gutless: words I wish I have the guts to say.

To my crush:
Stop looking at her and look at ME.
You want me to sing the chorus of Taylor Swift's 'You Belong with Me'
just so that you'll understand?
Or any other love songs I wished I never heard?
I love you. I think.
Not gonna say I'll love you better than she does.
Or that I'll make you happier than she'd do.
Or that I'll take you in, no questions asked.
No, I'm not perfect.
I might hate you at some point. I might be so pissed at you when you do wrong.
Maybe I'll piss you off so much you'll hate me for life.
I only know I'll love you with all my heart
say thanks to Him for giving me YOU
and pray we'll be together forever - here and at Heaven. x)

To my best buddies:
Guys, I need brothers. Will you be mine? :)
You guys are brothers I wanted to have ever since I've come to know you better.
I love you guys everyday for making me smile
and making me feel 'that feeling of being a spoilt, pampered, grateful baby sister'. XD
Girls, you're special to me..
because I always, ALWAYS have a hard time mixing with girls.
Meeting you girls is one of the best memories He's given me.
You're my sisters that I never knew I needed.
I love you. Period. Babes, you're the best.

To my (late) father:
Tell me everything.
School. Your siblings. How you met her. Your regrets. Your friends.
Your life in army.
Especially the last one..
.. because I need you to give me a push forward
and tell me everything will be okay.
Papa, I miss you so much
I cried almost every night on the pillow
or even when I suddenly think of you.
When you passed away, everyday is a battle.
I kept a straight face just so that it will push them to stop crying.
So that if I'm hurt, I can hold my own.
No one can take advantage of me.
Because I know, like it or not
there are some things I have to face on my own.
The habit stuck, and I've been labelled 'emotionless' ever since.
F(eep) them for not trying to understand.
F(eep) them.

To my mum:
I'm glad you've accepted the fact he's gone.
For a while there, I don't know what to say to you.
Seeing/hearing you cry is like a stab at my spine.
Unimaginably painful. Leaves me paralyzed and powerless.
I know it's harder on you than it is on all of us daughters and his siblings combined.
Thank you for looking out for me even when I said "I'm fine."
Thank you for all the calls and SMSes. It came when I least expected it
and when I thought I'll be fine without it.
Now I cherish every one of it.
Thank you for everything you did.
From buying that yellow polka dot baju kurung you knew I wanted
to the fact you'll do whatever it takes to make sure I feel absolutely no pain
wherever I go.
Thank you for the prayers you said you sent Him
I'm sure He has heard you.. because He gave me all the people I mentioned above. :)

To you:
Thank you for reading this super long post.
Must've bored you
but thanks. Really. :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Just as I expected.

Just as I expected. Just as she feared.

She's crushing on him.

I had absolutely no idea
that talking about him
would eventually cause her to fall for him

I have another guy friend quite similar to him
only more gentle and less foul.
And yes, his friend fell for him.

Funny. I didn't fall for them myself.
Cute? Oh yes.
Sweet? Definitely.
Crazy? Without a doubt.

God, I wonder.

I have to admit, though
I felt so guilty.
If only I didn't tell her about him
If only he didn't knew her
she wouldn't be.. so hurt and afraid of hoping.

If only. Such a sad word.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

You. Me. Him. And a trip together. I HOPE :)

Yesterday night
was one of the best nights I've ever had.

There I was, with one of my dearest best friends
at NR, hanging out.
It was the usual. We laughed. We shared stories.
We shared the same pain, happiness, hope.. and a favourite band :)
Everything was perfect.
It felt like nothing can spoil our time together.
Nothing could get in the way.

Until he said

"This is our last night together. I'm probably getting dismissed.
You won't see me again next semester."

My face changed.
My heart broke.
Another one is leaving me here.

The only one who felt just what I felt
when the others.. were probably trying hard to pretend, and feel otherwise.

I was sad. Angry.
I can't believe it has to come to this.
Yet another farewell.
Yet another teardrop.

Do you remember what they say about first-times?
There's always first time in everything.
First cut is the deepest.
And yesterday.. was the first time I've ever said
"till we meet again.. goodbye."

The effect?
I cried all the way to the block. Sat somewhere and repeat. And then
2 hours of walking around the campus.. at midnight.
But thinking about how kinda boring it would be without him
No one to share my stories with
Share my feelings
Walking around like that.. nothing to fear.
Too occupied to even care.

So my only hope
is that we'll meet again this November
at Melaka, where our crazy awesome dearest buddy lives. InsyaAllah ;)
You promised! :D

Then there will be just the three of us
the world
and our laughter
captured in our memories and our hearts.

So till then
When you listen to the Fray

(klik gamba! serius ni!)

(klik gamba ni gak!)

Remember me. :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

Before you leave..

We know full well that death is certain.
It's just a matter of how and when.

Baru tadi nampak sorang member post status.
Dia rase bersalah. Niatnya hanya menghiburkan kami.
Dan dia.. hanya ingin dibahagiakan, kerana dia bimbang
masanya tidak panjang.
Tapi lantaran perbezaan kami.. kami bergaduh
dan skang ni pun
aku x tau la sape aku di mata dia.

Jujurlah, aku marah dia buat status tu
Tapi x sempat nak marah, dia dah offline. Alahai
Tapi nak marah pun buat ape
silap2.. teman yang jalan dulu.


Aku sentiasa berharap
umurnya, dan umur mereka yang aku sayangi
supaya di masa depan
kebahagiaaku.. dapat kujadikan sebagai kebahagiaan mereka.

Jadi janganlah kau bimbang, sayang.
Hidup matimu adalah di tanganNya.
Berserahlah. Tawakallah.
Dan akan kucuba untuk membahagiakan dirimu.

 Dan bagi sahabatku
maafkan aku
kerena terlalu buta oleh kemarahan.
Hatimu aku sakiti.. tanpa sebarang pertimbangan dariku.
Tapi jangan sesekali kau fikir aku benci melihatmu,
malah aku masih merinduimu, menyayangimu, dan menyanjungimu!
Dan aku sentiasa berdoa kita akan diketemukan kembali
dengan izinNya.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I deserved this.

Hey, you.
You piss me off every bloody time.
Everytime I called you after midnight, with 2 SuperSavers without fail
I would always end up laughing, overwhelmed by you.
You would always be so foul. Just the way you are.
We would always end up arguing.
Well, in a jokey way, of course.
Your words never fail to make me wanna say
'double you tee eff'.
And now.. I'm pissed off to the core..

I became pissed and more pissed.
And you.. you're just fanning up the flame..
I knew it was to get the response - ANY response - from me.
Only that I don't know why
and for what purpose, even.
But now I'm sure we're both mad.

And now I missed talking to you more than I thought I would.
More than ever.


I forgot to consider
That you said sorry for not picking up the phone.
That you tried to make me feel better - proud, even
of repeating a paper
saying I'll understand better.
You joked.
You were always YOU
Always teasing.
Always pointing out where I'm wrong.

I missed hanging out with you.
I missed talking to you.
And funny, I even kinda miss your super foul honesty.

I'm sorry I'm being inconsiderate.
I'm sorry for being oversensitive all the time.
I'm sorry for being pissed at you when..
... you just wanted to chat and joke around.

When you said
"you hated to see this face."
I was heartbroken. You were 10 times more heartbroken.
But blinded by anger, I added
and realized it's just too late to take it back
" 'hate' is too strong a word.. but seeing your face pisses me off."
Then it hit me
'Oh God, no.. what have I done..'
But it's too late.. you were even more hurt than I would ever know..
"yeah, sure. my face pisses people off."
And.. seeing you hurt
it kills me.
Now the words that's hurting you
is eating me inside, it made me cry.
For all I know.. I deserved it.

I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Let's start again
can we go back to the beginning?

I'll do whatever it takes to bring you back
I don't want to lose you
Not this way..

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You said..

Don't be a heartless person, but
try to use your heart less.

I'll consider that. :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

SEBARKANLAH: y u no live in peace?!

Now we share the same bright sun,
The same round moon
Why don’t we share the same love?
Tell me why not
Life is shorter than most have thought
Hold my hand
There are many ways to do it right
Hold my hand
Turn around and see what we have left behind
Hold my hand my friend
We can save the good spirit of me and you
For another chance
And let’s pray for a beautiful world
A beautiful world I share with you

Retrieved from here:
Islam is derived from the Arabic root Salema
peace, purity, submission, and obedience.

Islam is a religion where there is no place for violence and agony.
it is pure; untainted by the imperfections of His creations
eternity and perfection belongs to Him, and only Him alone.
we, His subjects, put our best efforts in everything we do
and later leave everything to His power - to submit to Him.
We obey Him, Our Lord.. and only Him.
We came from Him, He sustained us with His gifts.. and it is to Him we will return.

Ni ape ni? Begini ke care nak idop aman?

Islam means peace.
And we must - and we will - coexist, love and aid each other in peace.


Allah's love.. in plain sight, overlooked.

All of us, you and me
must have dealt with a few troubles here and there
or maybe, you're in one at the moment.

We would think that it was out of our control
when in truth
everything that happens is, in part, our mistake.

We would think this could be the end
as if we just met a dead-end
with no way out, no way to turn back.

But above all
we feel powerless.
Which, we are.

With Him, there is strength.
With Him, there is wisdom.
With Him, there is love.

His love that we often overlook
when it is right there in plain sight.

Often, when we tell to our friends or family our problems
We always hear this
"Allah tidak akan menurunkan sesuatu dugaan yang melebihi kemampuan hambaNya."

Apart from the obvious
it is a sign that He, too, have faith in us
even when we lose faith in ourselves.
 He believed we could face the world and its challenges
  because it is within our capabilities.
Just long as we remember to remember Him
and do what we can to fix it
and sit back.. and leave it to His power
and have faith.

And I certainly have a fair share of trouble.
My pointers hit rock bottom. Worst fears confirmed.
I wanted to resign as a commander. Eventhough I've come to love this, slowly
I loved every Wednesday and the juniors I met.
The company.
7 people told me I should just quit.
And to tell you the truth, with the ridiculous things I've witnessed
it's such a tempting offer.

But 2 people - yes, just 2
One is my classmate, a close friend
The other is also a close friend, but in another campus.
Both told me to hold on.
I'm already lost
Which path should I follow?
Should I be stronger and try harder
or stay down and move on with my studies?

My classmate, he admitted he hated commanders.
So I was half-expecting he would welcome it.
I told him, my mother's voice over the phone on the first week of Ramadhan
broke my heart.
But his question caught me off-guard.
"Nape tetibe nak mengalah plak ni?"
"Mungkin skang ni ko dengar sore die sebak.
Tapi cube ko bayangkan sore die bile kau berjaya nanti."

The other one? Well he sent me 4 SMSes.
Telling me I'm not his friend if I quit, and that he's doing just fine
eventhough he has to repeat for one paper.
(which, by the way, sucks.. since he already gloriously earned 3 A+)
Told me to be cool, focus on my papers
and think it over (again) once I'm done.

The 2 of them have faith in me.
Allah SWT have faith in me.
But have I?
All I know.. is that either way, it's not going to be easy.

I don't know if I'm actually staying.
I don't know if I'll leave.
But I'm sure, that being a commander
it must be a blessing in disguise.
There must be something here, that He wants to give me.
Only that.. I don't know what it is.

But Allah SWT certainly has a plan for all of us.
For you, and for me.

Allah SWT always knows best, and I have faith in Him.

Why pictures?

I'm not a photographer.
I don't own a DSLR like the others. But
I'm in love with pictures.
They can say so many things..
.. more than the words can describe.

Maybe I'll make more posts like this.
Beginning to enjoy this :)

Found in Flickr - 2nd SHOT.

Subject of the pictures: beaches.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Found in Flickr - 1st SHOT.

Inspired by this post. ;)

Subject of the pictures: Converse All-Star.

Hey, you.

Still like you.
Still hoping for you.

But definitely expecting nothing from you.
I missed the way things were
but well.. it's past tense. Can't stay there forever.

To sum it up

I'm moving on.

Might as well I just wait.
Boring as it is. :)