Loop.

Peace be upon you.

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A flawed novice observer.
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The crowd.

Monday, December 31, 2012

'I am grateful.'






I am grateful that I have to deal with a complicated person like you
because
it reminds me that not all souls have it easy
and that what is a given to one person, may be a rare privilege for another.


I am grateful that I have to deal with a person who is cold but courteous like you
because
it teaches me that while first impressions last,
perceptions are always faulty; and often, we have to dig deeper to know better.


I am grateful that I have to deal with a lovesick puppy
because
it teaches me how much change love could bring to someone,
a change that surprises even me.


I am grateful for having to deal with problems like all of you
because
it serves as a reminder
what a brilliantly lucky asshole I am.


Battles.
To face it is often easier said than done.
However, if words muttered are indeed a prayer,
perhaps a simple "I believe" could bring a small change.
"I believe I am strong."
"I believe I am not alone."
"I believe I am ready."
Small, but a change nonetheless.


It is something that even I find hard to follow at times,
but I guess it is worth the try; so I hope you will try it with me.


Be careful with what you believe yourself to be,
it might just become you; so make it a good one.


Indeed, you are what you think you are.





Thursday, December 20, 2012

Momentary.






I share with you my blissful story
not to brag
not to sadden you further
and definitely not to offend you by intent.


I share each of my life's tale with you
to assure you
that if I can have it
then so can you.


If I can be happy, then so can you.


I believe
we all deserve an acute dose of happiness
even if it is just momentary.


We remember happiness.
We remember sorrow better.


And if it were not for the godsend hope
I think you and I will never meet again tomorrow.


Thank You, Allah
for this gift;
temporary as it is.





Sunday, December 2, 2012

Lucky you.






You do hold a meaning in my life.
But please don't fancy yourself so special that you think
my bond to you
is the reason why I am capable of tolerating you.


Tolerating you is only possible
as long as I hold on to my principles;
and I'm grateful that I managed to grip to it to this day.


And you are just lucky that I don't blow up to you yet.





Saturday, December 1, 2012

To my former dearest,






your text telling me that you're in town
quite surprised me.
Too bad I'll be off to campus this morning.
But thanks anyway for remembering to tell me.


And then you talked about her.
*rolls eyes*
man, you are quite smitten, aren't you?


I was just joking, you know
about making up false epic stories of you
so that she'll consider on starting things with you.
And then you went,
"no need, just tell her what she needs to know.


I know I've been bad to you.
I'm giving you the license to tell her about me."


I didn't know what to think.
But I knew you. I saw you.
Therefore I choose to trust you.


Hey, look
it's true. You've hurt me more than you ever know.
I have been in pain, but this is the worst, because I trusted you.


But in the time we spent to know each other
I found that you do have some good in you.
You are honest, and I need that. Well, we all do.
You just suck horribly at the manners at being honest, that's all.
But honest, nonetheless.
And you do care.
And for that, thank you.


Well technically you're close to perfect.
Except you suck at manners.


Doesn't matter.
The way I see it, it's what inside of you that matters.
Your routine habits, how you talk, those things don't matter to me.
I only care about what you stand for, whether or not you care,
everything that is in your heart.
That's why I stood by you, despite everything.


Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.


I can't change their opinions on you.
I can't tell them to observe like I do.
I can't tell them to look at things the way I do.
I can't tell them to put aside what you did to me.
I can't tell them to try to look at you the way I look at you.
They still couldn't forgive you for what you did to me, and I understand.


We all agree to disagree, and that's fine.


I only wish, that you will take care of her like how you always did to me
and not hurt her like you did to me.


She is still so very young, naive, and timid.
Please take care of my junior - my sister.
I'm gambling everything here.
Don't disappoint me.


I give you my permission
with a silent wish that you will amend your mistakes
through her.


Prove to me
that you are worth that permission.


Please.


O Allah, please protect her..





Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dead Poets Society.






This is the title of
a 1989 movie
which truly blew my mind away.


From what I understand,
the movie is about
how an English teacher
teaches them way beyond the subject;
he in fact encourages his students to broaden their minds
and to seize the day
and how, in the process,
it affects the lives of five colorful young men, eternally.




Broaden their minds seems to be an understatement
but that will do for now.
No spoilers!


And in another words,
he teaches them how to think
instead of what to think.




Wow I don't remember the last time
I actually cried so hard while watching a movie.
It's amazing to see how, over time, each and everyone changes throughout the movie.




It's one of those movies that
make you go "DAMN" when it's over.
It's just that awesome.
Watch it. Go download a torrent or something.





Monday, November 26, 2012

I don't know.






Well, here goes nothing.


Dear crush, the first time I saw you
I thought you looked like.. a nerd.
You know, like, skema.


Days go by and we just bonded.
Just a typical one.
You talk to me and it just flows from there
and vice versa.


Well, we don't do that much anymore.
It's fine.
Things change, and so did we.
I understand.
And I couldn't care less about what effect these words could bring, anyway.
I just want to say it somewhere
since I can't say it to you.


This may sound so.. weird
but I'm really just too shy to say it to you.
Gosh, this is embarrassing 


I never expect that
you
will become
someone
who meant so much to me.


It is as if
no matter how many guys I've seen
and how gorgeous their smile is
none of them
could beat yours.


You have the cutest smile I have ever seen
and as soon as I saw it
I am so stunned I just froze
my mind went completely blank
except to say
"damn why are you so cute?"


I don't know how that can happen
much less why.
I really don't know.


How could our hearts
without our knowledge
flew to someone we can never have?


I don't know.


I wish you well.





Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I am an ummah of one.






Afghanistan is my home town,
Jerusalem is my heart.
I flash a Syrian smile,
I've been Egyptian from the start.
My kindness comes from Pakistan, my style Senegalese.
Yemen and Somalia join two continents at my knees.
A Mauritanian mind, Libyan legs.
Arabian disposition.
Moroccan passion,
Turkish fashion,
Indonesian precision.
My eyes peer from cashmere to a Malaysian setting sun.


My body is indivisible, I am an ummah of one.


(from Tumblr)





Sunday, November 18, 2012

But in time, I will.






 From concrete to trees.
Nothing could be better than that.


Your childhood home.


I remember everything well.


For every time we arrive there
all of you would stay downstairs
while all of us would go upstairs.
All the same people, just different stories.


From children to teenagers
teenagers to young adults
young adults to young parents
and we would still sit before the tube
and troll whatever is on air.
Growing old, but forever young still.


Carrom, TV series, KFC.
The things we do when we were young by age.


And every morning after
Breakfast bought from the markets.
Together.


Oh, I remember it well.


Yesterday I looked at him.
The sun shimmered. Such beautiful, peaceful evening it was.
And once more
I saw your smile
on his face.


The same smile
the same wrinkles
the same memories.


Once again, I saw you.
How I missed you, how it hurts, how hollow it made me feel
and surprisingly, how at peace I was when I saw it
and somehow I felt that
wherever you are
you are okay.


I saw those tears again.
Tears of love felt, memories remembered, broken walls.
Once more.


I would walk out, leaving time to dry those tears.
But after a while, I feel stupid.
Tears fade faster when it is wiped away than to be left dry.
Sorrow shared is half the pain.
Happiness shared is a dose doubled.


Too bad I am too greedy to even share





Friday, November 16, 2012

Muharram at Gaza: the amazement.






Initially, this post is intended to be in my native language
but I figured, with English being among the ones widely used on the globe,
here, I'll post my thoughts.


Well truthfully I'm kind of.. shaken up
in posting about this.
After all, the net community today
is mostly filled with
'look at the amount of faaks I give'
kind of people.
I am afraid of being taunted.
Being wrong.
Being put down.


But I care about this.


Admittedly, sentiments doesn't fix things.
But I want to at least bring attention to this matter
and unite us together, and pray for them.
I truly believe, no matter what religion you believe in
or even if you are an atheist
we learn to love one another.
We want the best for each other.


Today is just like any other day
I would go to Tumblr.
It is where I learn of today's
news
trends
people
knowledge.
Amazing how fast things can spread thanks to mass media.


Today, posts on Gaza
literally ruled my dashboard
in between pics of 1D, some hipster stuff
and science stuff.
I Googled Gaza and found that Gaza has been bombed,
in defence for the bombing caused by Gaza.


So it's like
the best defence is a great offence.
If that's the case then,
it's no wonder they shot back.
If Israel can shoot a missile 'in defence',
then it's no wonder they shot back
after all that befall on them all these years.
Palestinians have been running here and there
for so many years.
Peace is just a distant dream.


Here's the thing.
Israel stole the land.
Depopulate thousands of people from there.
Tortured the residents. Kids, even.
Not to mention dropping bombs there
which inevitably took many lives.
It took many, many lives
that could have have the power to change Gaza
and later, the world itself.


It is as if all the ideas, chances, the peace
died along with them.


It's like stealing made legal
and the tortures were overlooked
and they didn't pay the price.
Now that's twisted.
Amazing how the constitution can shapeshifted into whatever form
to make this legal.




This schoolgirl could have grown up
to be a teacher,
where she could bring forth the light of knowledge and wisdom
to the incoming generations.
Amazing how a lifelong dream can be destroyed
by a stray bullet in mere seconds.


I don't like what is being done to the people
in Gaza, Syria, Rohingya.
I don't like wars.
I don't like people who disturbs the peace.
I don't like dreams being crushed to pieces.
I don't like hopes being taken away.


All my life, I prayed for everything that I have today
and I got what I prayed for, praise be to Allah.
The power of a prayer is not to be doubted.
Islam, from what I understand, is a religion of optimism,
where every setback is a chance to success and victory.
Islam is a religion that teaches that hard work
will get you a long way,
and one's condition will never change until one actually works for it.
Islam is a religion of peace,
and Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the definition of peace and love itself.
Islam taught me to do something to achieve what I want.


Surah al-Ra'd, 11.


And with this post,
I wish people regardless of faith to look at the people of Gaza;
reflect on what they have been dealing with,
look back at all the privileges we have,
and to be thankful, and pray for their peace.
Peace for Gaza, Syria, Rohingya
everywhere in the world.


I don't know how much change can be done.
But I know.. that I tried.


This is what I have observed and understand.
I truly appreciate your time for reading this.


Naive as it is, I just want peace for the world.





Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Just a feeling.






I don't know what word
could I possibly use to describe this feeling.


I feel happy.
I feel sad.
And yet I am content,
as if everything that I have is enough.
It all felt enough.


I feel.. complete.


I don't know why.


But I kind of like this feeling.
Praise be to Allah.





Monday, November 12, 2012

My guardian angel.






Your blood will flow in my veins
until the end of me.

I will contain your strength in my body
until there is no more left.

Your smile, I would wear on my face
as something that I can share.

I will forever remember your hands
that has for many times held mine.

Your kindness, I will follow suit
for as long as I shall live.

Your patience, I will try to practice
just like how you have been patient with us.

Your silent wisdom, I will try to achieve
by reading, just like how you have taught us since we were young.

I could find a thousand substitutes to you;
but no one could ever replace you.

However, if Allah has set that I will find
someone like you
on the face of the earth,
therefore, Papa,


my life might just be perfect again.


If I could find a mirror of you,
I might have just found my guardian angel;
because you are the only one I could trust
to protect me.

I wish, I pray,
whoever I might love someday
be it as a friend, as a family, or as a forever after
they would be just like you.

You, Papa,
my guardian angel.





Happy
what could have been your
60th
glorious
birthday.





Al-Fatihah.





Friday, November 9, 2012

A random memory.








In a memory so vivid, I remember
a stroll, together.


Maybe, one day, we could go
in the morning, when it is calm and cool.
Or in the evening, with its warmth and peace.
Or perhaps in the night; under the moon and the stars.


Distance will pull us apart,
but time will eventually bring us back together.


However far we may be
even if a few of us may have different time zones than the rest
remember that we still live under the same glorious sky.


And I pray
that He will be looking out for you.





One song is all it takes.









Run For Your Life by The Fray on Grooveshark



Lyrics | The Fray lyrics - Run For Your Life lyrics


There you go; my favorite acoustic version, the actual song and the lyrics.
Knock yourself out.


The reason I put the song here is because
this song literally shot me right through the heart.
The first time I heard it,
it didn't actually have a huge impact instantly;
but after a while it just grows on you
and the next thing you know,
everything about the song
just stuns you.


We all have a song or two
that has an impact on us.
To me, this is the one.


The lyrics, which for some unknown reason, cause me to tear up;
the harmony in the strings, the piano and the drums;
the way it was sung which gives emotion to the song in itself;
and the after-effects you feel when it ends.



All the sudden when this song plays
my whole life starts to flash before my eyes like a life-long movie
and it dawned to me then that my life is actually pretty messed up.
Mostly, my fault.
And for a good few minutes, I would just sit somewhere
and just embrace that feeling and cry myself out
and feel relieved afterwards.


Yeah, the effect on me was really to that extend.



The band is a personal favorite ever since I was 13 or 14.
They are amazing in the album,
and even more ridiculously awesome live.
I have changed my playlist for so many times;
I've included and removed metal, dubstep, house, techno, rock, instrumental
but this band stays in the playlist.


Well, to me, they are perrrrfect. Haha


The wait for the exam results has started to wreck my nerves
so I'll blog about something again after this
just to get a grip on myself.


Till then.





Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Next?



  


















'Pride and Prejudice'
by Jane Austen.


Published in the early 1800s.
I have read a fair share of books
but this book will forever be my all-time favorite.


Read it sometime; it's awesome!





Sunday, October 28, 2012

I'm traditional that way.






While I was reading
'The Perks Of Being a Wallflower'








I was brought into the world belonged to Charlie,
and I feel what he feels.


Such is the pleasure of reading.


Although,
books still rock.


The pleasure in flipping the pages,
the scent,
and the peace and privacy it brings.


I'm still reading it.
Perhaps I'll post about it once I'm done.





Friday, October 26, 2012

So, what will you bring with you?









This is how I see you.

(1)
Siblings from another mother and father.
This doesn't need explanation;
it's almost too obvious by now.


(2)
A gift, a present.
You know that feeling you get
when a special someone gives you something?
It makes you feel happy, loved and content; right?
Now think of yourselves that way -
as a gift from Allah Taala.
And yes, I feel happy, loved and content.
In return, I try to appreciate His gift -
by giving thanks, and treat them well.
I could not thank Him enough for giving me you,
and I try to treat you well.


(3)
A platform to increase my deeds.
Every moment I get to be with you
is a chance for me to do good.
It takes patience on my part, and truthfully, that's where I lacked;
but I try. I really do.
All of it was an investment for the hereafter.
Truly, I hope it is sufficient..


'melalui kalian, aku mengumpul bekalan untuk ke akhirat kelak.'




It is a fact that I know and understand well.
And I hope you do too.


If I am called to meet Him sooner than you,
I will bring with me my 'investments'
and you will carry in your hearts the memories we once had.


A reminder to you, to me, and to them
should our end arrives, perhaps, too soon and unexpected.


So, what will you bring with you?


Salam Aidiladha.





Wednesday, October 24, 2012

As infinite as He allows us to be.






A simple post to kill time.


A simple post to fill a void of time
which was usually filled with


a casual walk down the block
a nap
reading a digital article
or a lunch with them.


And then on the night
starting 30 minutes after 9, almost every night,
the dinner.


If things could get any crazier
we will return to our rooms
at the wee hours of the morning.
Many times we would go separate ways at.. 3 am.
Sometimes, even later.


A couple of truth or dares
A night to sing our lungs out
A night where we will all bring our laptops
and share things
take pictures
have tweet and comment wars




As infinite as we can dream.


I have been blessed
with Islam
with a family
with a bunch of people, who came as lessons for me to learn from
with a pair of eyes to witness
with a heart, curious to understand
with a love abundant; a level below my mother's
with strength; which I hope is an equal to my father's
and you, you, you, you, you, you and you.


These blessings He bestowed upon us
are way too many for us to form a list.


I hope I have done enough
so that when the time comes
when it will end somehow, I will have no regrets.


You are in my thoughts and prayers
for as long as I can remember.





Saturday, October 20, 2012

If I could share this..






I was in Malacca
with my mother and sister.


We went to the historical hotspots.
St Paul Church.
Stadthuys Building.
And my sister, as always
just keeps taking pictures.


We went shopping
sightseeing
exploring
and mother, oh mother
isn't she excited. :)


And then there were other people taking pictures.


They were fascinated.
Some by its beauty.
Some by its tale.
Others, the culture.


While I was there
I wonder, how it would have been
if all of us are there, together.


It would have been amazing
to share this growing curiosity and fascination
and the fun in between.


Well, a girl can hope.
InsyaAllah.







Friday, October 19, 2012

Smiley saja, untuk 5 minggu mungkin.





Bermulalah 5 minggu
rehat dari segala.


Kini, sang remaja
menjadi lebih muda dari biasa.


Dan skill stalking kita semua
teruji di saat ini. Haa

Kenapa?
Yela, nak jugak tengok apa jadi
kat geng gila gila sedunia kita
stok geli geli (bahasa formalnya 'skandal'; kalau ada la)
calon calon peneman hidup bagai


well, the list goes on. Hahah


Stalk di facebook
stalk di Twitter
stalk di Blogger
stalk di Youtube
stalk di Tumblr


stalk.
stalk.
stalk.


Kerana smiley di alam maya
tidak seindah senyuman di depan mata.


See you guys next semester, insyaAllah.
Have a blast, and take care.




Monday, October 15, 2012

My bedtime story.






Once every few days
I would sit, or lie down on my bed - quietly
putting myself into your shoes.


I would wonder
how it feels like to be disliked
merely on the account of telling things as they are.


I would wonder
how it feels like to see someone you have loved dearly
to fall into your laps, forever gone.


I would wonder
how it feels like to have a lover
who is as adorable as an innocent child.


The best I could do is to only imagine.


And it was enough.


I could live on my own
because I know I have a problem fitting in somehow.
I just hope that whatever I'm going through,
they will never have to go through it.
And all these mistakes I have done
they will never be foolish enough to commit.
And dear God,
I pray that all these anger I have held within
will never see the light of day.


I can't imagine
bringing my loved one to the hospital
hoping endlessly that she would come back to life,
putting her 6 feet underground
and remembering her scent, the smile, the voice, the warmth
and know in a hard way that it just won't leave;
the same way how my dad's callous fingers
intertwined into mine -
one memory I try to shun away so that it would not hurt so much.


But I will always hope
I will find someone I could spoil
with love, with protection, and hopefully joy as well.
And the days, way ahead of us
will be filled with hopes, prayers, and dreams only He would understand.
I'm not an easy child, I know that very well
so if you stay, and Allah wills it
I'm all yours, till the end.


Your lives that you have revealed to me
were literally my bedtime stories.
Tales that He have created to teach me
everything that I have come to understand.


The good things you do
I would try to follow suit.
The bad mistakes you did
will serve as a reminder that I will not do the same.


All of you, my loves
were a godsend gift.
I am, after all, far from perfect.
In return, I try to love you as you are;
while trying to push you to a better direction.


And if only they knew
how much of a pleasure and bliss
giving and loving could be.





Sunday, October 14, 2012

Words malfunction.






A developed habit, over the years.
So good at maintaining it,
it is almost natural to me now.


Hiding it all within so well
that I failed to say it in words.


I have learnt to hide; and I am getting better
but not a single lesson in revealing them have I taken
for as long as I have lived.


Knowing all the words to say
but in the end, they are just locked in.





How unfortunate; I type things better than I actually say it






Friday, October 12, 2012

Kulihat Angah.





Kulihat Angah, pada 10 Oktober.


Aku marah.
Aku kasihan.
Aku tertanya tanya.


Aku marah,
kerana dia masih terkenang akan masa lalu.
Kerana dia membiarkan kenangan menggenggam dirinya.
Kerana memori masa lampau itu membutakan dia
dari melihat kisah masa kini
yang sedang terbina di hadapannya,
dan mereka yang ada bersamanya, penuh kasih dan setia.


Namun kemudiannya,
timbul rasa kasihan di hati;
kerana dia hanya manusia,
yang berpegang pada cinta.
Cinta yang suatu masa dulu
menyerlahkan kemanusiaan adikku.


Lalu aku tertanya tanya
begitukah cinta? Dan,
kapankah hadirnya bahagia
yang akan mengembalikan seri wajah Angah?


Kebahagiaan di mana
akan mengajar Angah
bahawa cinta itu memanusiakan kita -
menampakkan kelemahan kita, namun pada saat yang sama
menggagahkan kita?


Cinta itu rumit.
Kita semua telah lama membahasakan cinta,
memburu definisi sebenar cinta.
Namun, kita tidak mampu.
Yang pasti, cinta hanya mampu difahami
di saat itu, di tempat itu, bersama orang itu.


Dan dalam pada itu, berkata si hati
Subhanallah, indahnya cinta.


Tanggal 10 Oktober 2012, aku menangis
melihatkan adikku, Angah menghidupkan kembali memori itu.
Sejelas mungkin.
Tragisnya hikayat itu, detus hatiku.
Dan nyata hatiku terlalu lembut untuk menahannya.
Begitulah cinta. Yang besar itu efeknya, yang kekal itu lukanya.


Terdetik di hatiku
barangkali dia dibelenggu rasa bersalah.
Namun demi Allah,
jika aku tahu, sudah lama dia aku bantu.
Buat pertama kali, aku lemah dan bebal
dalam menangani apa yang sedang berlaku di hadapanku.


Namun aku tahu kini, bahawa wanita itu inginkan apa yang aku inginkan -
dia inginkan Angah untuk bahagia.


Dan aku berdoa agar Allah Taala panjangkan umurku
cukup panjang untuk aku akhirnya dapat berbakti kepada bonda,
dan juga melihat Angah bahagia;
Angah, salah seorang adikku yang aku kasihi.


Aku berdoa, agar bila saat bahagia itu tiba
akan tercetus satu rasa
membangkitkan Angah untuk akhirnya berani menampakkan manusianya dia,
dan saat itu juga akan menyerlahkan
sifat kepimpinannya, baik di dunia dan di akhirat.


Tidak mengapa, Angah. Ambillah masa selama perlu,
akan kunantikan saat itu, aku pasti.
Aku percayakan kemampuanmu.


Ya Rabbi, aku panjatkan hajatku kepadaMu,
kerana Engkaulah sebaik baik pengkabul hajat.


Hari ini hari Jumaat. Sayyidul Ayyam - penghulu segala hari.
Sudikah kau mendengarkan cerita al-Kahfi bersamaku, wahai cinta Angah?











MOOD SPOILER!!
ANGAH, A PINK DRAGON, IS DEATHLY AFRAID OF CAMERAS.