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A flawed novice observer.
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Saturday, October 22, 2011

I am gutless: words I wish I have the guts to say.

To my crush:
Stop looking at her and look at ME.
You want me to sing the chorus of Taylor Swift's 'You Belong with Me'
just so that you'll understand?
Or any other love songs I wished I never heard?
I love you. I think.
Not gonna say I'll love you better than she does.
Or that I'll make you happier than she'd do.
Or that I'll take you in, no questions asked.
No, I'm not perfect.
I might hate you at some point. I might be so pissed at you when you do wrong.
Maybe I'll piss you off so much you'll hate me for life.
I only know I'll love you with all my heart
say thanks to Him for giving me YOU
and pray we'll be together forever - here and at Heaven. x)

To my best buddies:
Guys, I need brothers. Will you be mine? :)
You guys are brothers I wanted to have ever since I've come to know you better.
I love you guys everyday for making me smile
and making me feel 'that feeling of being a spoilt, pampered, grateful baby sister'. XD
Girls, you're special to me..
because I always, ALWAYS have a hard time mixing with girls.
Meeting you girls is one of the best memories He's given me.
You're my sisters that I never knew I needed.
I love you. Period. Babes, you're the best.

To my (late) father:
Tell me everything.
School. Your siblings. How you met her. Your regrets. Your friends.
Your life in army.
Especially the last one..
.. because I need you to give me a push forward
and tell me everything will be okay.
Papa, I miss you so much
I cried almost every night on the pillow
or even when I suddenly think of you.
When you passed away, everyday is a battle.
I kept a straight face just so that it will push them to stop crying.
So that if I'm hurt, I can hold my own.
No one can take advantage of me.
Because I know, like it or not
there are some things I have to face on my own.
The habit stuck, and I've been labelled 'emotionless' ever since.
F(eep) them for not trying to understand.
F(eep) them.

To my mum:
I'm glad you've accepted the fact he's gone.
For a while there, I don't know what to say to you.
Seeing/hearing you cry is like a stab at my spine.
Unimaginably painful. Leaves me paralyzed and powerless.
I know it's harder on you than it is on all of us daughters and his siblings combined.
Thank you for looking out for me even when I said "I'm fine."
Thank you for all the calls and SMSes. It came when I least expected it
and when I thought I'll be fine without it.
Now I cherish every one of it.
Thank you for everything you did.
From buying that yellow polka dot baju kurung you knew I wanted
to the fact you'll do whatever it takes to make sure I feel absolutely no pain
wherever I go.
Thank you for the prayers you said you sent Him
I'm sure He has heard you.. because He gave me all the people I mentioned above. :)

To you:
Thank you for reading this super long post.
Must've bored you
but thanks. Really. :)

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