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A flawed novice observer.
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The crowd.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

(Sad?) Mother, my strength. (I regret nothing.)

So I got into this deep thinking phase where all the sudden I was just thinking about my mum
and nobody else.

Not the damned jerk who cussed every time he talks to me. There, I said it, he's a jerk. Gosh,
those 2 people must be nodding in approval by now

Not the buddies who are always up for a trip to the glass study room aka 'aquarium' almost every other night.

Not my Finals. Well, not saying that I'm a total genius that I could simply lay off studying till the last couple of days.

Just my mum.

Then I begin to think of all the heart-breaking endings I could imagine -

What if she suddenly left the way my dad did?

What if I wasn't even there to see her go, like the day he left?

What if I couldn't get the chance to say 'I love you' for the first time in 20 years of my life before she left, just like that day?

And when she's gone, how will I be?

Will I finally break down and just cry for days, unlike that day, because I thought, 'it's fine, mum's still here. Still can try to pull through'? Or hold it back in?

Will everyone know about this, or will I try so hard to make sure that not anyone apart from my buddies, classmates and relatives would know about this? Or just go by the policy of, 'if they know, it's fine, if they don't, it's fine too'?

If it happened when I was having one of my lecture classes, will I cry like mad or just put up a still expression like I always do until I get in the bus?

Or will I just disappear for days, not answering calls, not replying texts, and POOF appear out of nowhere and reluctantly explain the whole, long thing up?

Oh God, I will never know. All I know, is that by the time she's gone, I'll be broken. You remember how Harry Potter looked like when he saw Sirius Black died before him? I could react just like that if I couldn't get a grip on myself.

It's not that I don't have other relatives with me. I do have sisters. But I have to face the truth,
that no one could understand me or love me the way she does.
My sisters got their own lives. And my friends too.

And to tell you the truth, if it weren't for her
I would have stayed in the campus for the whole semester.
Study week included. Long paper gaps too.

I just want to let it out.

I will never know what could've happened. Only Allah does.

It's not that I could set it in my brain that when this happens
this is how I'm going to react and actually rehearse in front of a mirror or something.
Gosh that's just so.. urgh

I can't say that I don't want to lose her. She'll leave anyway.

It's just that.. I will feel so alone.

I don't mind being far from her.
Everywhere is fine, as long as I know she's with me when I need her.

And when's she's gone?

This is going to take all of me.

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