What could have been.

Today

is not just my eldest sister's birthday

but also

my parents' anniversary.

"Tak perlu la wish, sedih nanti."

That's what she said.
And I said nothing.

Mama I want him home..

Mama I still cry..

Mama why is he gone before he could see me off to college?

Mama will he approve of my husband-to-be?

Mama he's not here; which man will protect me?

Mama why is it too soon..

Well, Ma

happy anniversary.

Until 2 years ago, every weekend..

.. it will be just another weekend

watching nothing but sports.
Sometimes tennis.
Sometimes Formula One.
But he especially loves football.

That is my dad. :)

Tomorrow Chelsea is going head to head against Arsenal.

And then there's Queens Park Rangers against Tottenham Hotspur.

He would love to see these matches.

I'll be there, just sitting next to him

hearing him talk

cheer in delight

scream in horror

while watching football.

Especially when it involves Manchester United. Hahahah

Semalam, kawan coursemate masa sekolah dulu

meninggal dunia, accident.

Jelas sekali diorang terasa dengan pemergiannya.

Tu yang aku teringat balik tu. Cuma,

cara aku hadapi benda tu.. agak lain la.

Elak menangis selagi boleh. Sampai benci menangis pun ada.

Ganas kan cara aku. Hahahah
Tapi aku sudah muak, tengok satu isi rumah
menangis, terkenang, termenung.
Betapa ingin aku laungkan pada masa itu
"sudah la tu; Papa takkan kembali!"

Mungkin aku mampu buat begitu; bertahan sekeras mungkin,

Tapi tak semua mampu.

Weekend menjelang.

Tah dapat ke tidak TV tu aku conquer.

Yang lain sebok tengok drama je.

Haih, meleleh sana meleleh sini, tragis betol. Hahahah

Basically, I really just miss my dad. :)
Al Fatihah kepada mereka.

So what can I say?

Pada suatu masa

aku tengah berlayar di lautan internet

ibu aku kata

"Kau kena lembutkan hati kau.

Mama tengok hati kau keras

macam kau ni takde perasaan."

Ni kalau sampai mak aku pun cakap camtu

there's really nothing I can do.

Clearly someone hasn't seen my Tumblr.

His picture is there, hidden in the archives.

Aaaaand, kat Blogger ni pun ada je post pasal dia.

And of course, one other person

whom I tried my best to help.

But in the end, it amount to nothing.

Bagaimana aku nak bantu dia

jika dia tak bantu diri sendiri?

Jangan salah faham

hanya kerana aku tak tegur

tak bermakna aku tak ambil berat.

Aku tengok je status facebook kau.

I love you, Mum. Seriously.

But I can tell from the way you handle things, even as you listen

I can see that if I tell you everything about what has happened

you will ask why this, why that.

And you will comment on everything.

One try and it's enough.

How I wish I was wrong, but unfortunately

I was right.

Well, s--t happenED - it's past tense.
And one way or another
another s--t will happen.

I'm trying my best to move on here
because I know, it'll get better.
Ia hanyalah satu ujian dalam kehidupan.
Kalau Allah tak sayang, Allah takkan uji, Ma.
Satu satunya cara Dia dapat ajar Noor tentang kehidupan
adalah dengan menguji Noor.

I'm trying to focus on the 'how' instead of 'why'.
How to get over everything when nothing can be fixed.

Sakit, Ma. Tinggi mana? Biarlah Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Mother, I only want to be understood.

You don't have to help me.

You can't be where I am all the time. 24/7.

Just be there, when I call you
just there with your soothingly angelic voice and smile
and I'll be perfectly ready to face anything. Seriously.

Cukuplah Allah SWT dan sahabat terdekat sahaja

yang mengetahui segala yang berlaku.

I know you're trying to protect me, so I don't get hurt

but now I feel like

you don't even trust me.

Tak perlulah Mama tahu.
Noor tak nak Mama bimbang.
Percayalah kata hati Noor, Ma.

Biarlah Allah SWT saja

yang mengetahui

memahami

dan menentukan yang terbaik untuk Noor.

Simpler things in life: hobbies.

Hobbies.

When I was younger

I would watch animes.

Gensomaden Saiyuki, Ayashi no Ceres, Slamdunk

are a few animes I've watched.

I started drawing eversince I watched Saiyuki
remember the days when AXN would air the animes?

So eversince that fascination of anime came up

I started drawing furiously.

Like, everyday.

It's like, if there's a paper and a pen in sight

I WILL DRAW.

Good thing I didn't draw on walls.

Dad would have been furious.

Unfortunately, I drew less and less

by the time I entered college.

From studying to assignments to socializing

everything is done on the laptop.

Better-paid kids would do all that on tabs and stuff.

There were a couple of things that happened

that got me pondering on this matter.

Few days back, my mum called her family in Sibu.

She told me that my cousin - she's in primary

has been drawing endlessly.

I was the reason she - and possibly her siblings - started to draw.

Everytime we go to Sibu, we'll look for papers

borrow pencils and colour pencils, and just draw.

Then it hit me - they still draw and I don't. Damn.

And today, barely hours ago

mum watched vids on YouTube

while I tweet/post/tumblring.

My sister then came back from.. God knows where

and went upstairs and change

and came down with her iPad.

So there we were

mum on her netbook

sister on iPad

and me with my laptop

in the living room, TV ignored completely.

I miss the innocent days

where I would draw, draw and draw

every minute, every hour, every day.

It's one of the traditional past times.

I read too.

I have no right to say that I'm different

people on fb and Twitter would know

just how often I update stuffs.

I miss the simpler things in life

where you don't have to worry about your phone

those endless texts and tasks and alarms

or doing assignments

where everything is from Google and Wikipedia.

People say Wikipedia is not really reliable

but dude, please

as long as the assignment is done

nobody gives a damn.

And, one day, insyaAllah
perhaps, I would consider walking at the streets
any street, and gaze at the collision of cultures and personalities
in the city.

People.
They fascinate me as much as they puzzle me.

On this melancholic note

I'll stop here

and read the books I've been abandoning

for longer than I remember.

Feed your soul.

Nurture yourself.

Agak sentap dengar lagu ni. Hahahah

~

~

Ending Theme for Chrono Cross
Radical Dreamers ~ Unstolen Jewel ~ (sung by Noriko Mitose)

Composer: Yasunori Mitsuda



Osanai te ni tsutsunda
Furueteru, sono hikari o
Koko made tadotte kita
Jikan no fuchi o samayoi


Sagashitsuzukete kita yo
Namae sae shiranai keredo
Tada hitotsu no omoi o
Anata ni tewatashitakute


Toki wa ai mo itami mo
Fukaku dakitome
Keshiteku kedo
Watashi wa oboeteiru zutto...


Watashi no mune no oku ni
Itsukara ka hibiiteita...
Yuzugu no shizuku yori mo
Kasuka na sasayaki da kedo


Itetsuku hoshi no yami e
Tsumugu inori ga
Tooi anata no sora ni todoku you ni



Translation
I've followed this far in search of
That glimmering light
Clasped in the hands of a child
Wandering in the brink of time


I have continued searching for you
Though I know not your name
Because I wanted to share
This feeling with you


Time envelops both love and pain
Until they fade away
But I still remember them
And I always will


Thought I cannot remember when
A whisper began echoing
Deep within my heart
Fainter than drops of evening dew


May this prayer I spin
Weave throughout the darkness
of the frozen stars
And reach the skies above you, so far away... 

~*~

First time dengar lagu ni masa Part 2.
Kawan hamba yang sorang ni memang suka cari lagu.
Pandai main instrument jugak.
Musically-inclined la kalau ikut bahasa Jawa nya.
Lebih lebih lagi classical, instrumental, soundtrack anime, jazz
rock kapak ngan K-Pop pun dia bedal sekali haaa.

Jadi alkisahnya, satu hari ni
bile masing masing tengah belajar kat library
Laptop terbukak, lagu terpasang, buku terbentang
dia panggil, minta aku dengar lagu ni.
Sejak tu suka lagu ni.
Dia siap bagi crystal version lagi. Satu sem tu ni la ringtone text.


~

~


Semalam, cari punya cari lagu ni kat Youtube
terjumpa yang ni pulok.
Indah nian, tersentuh hati dengar.
Jarang jumpa lagu yang bila didengari, bikin sentap.
Truth be told, it's so beautiful, I almost cried.
Terasa kot -.-"
Lagu ni menenangkan jiwa dan sangat menyentuh perasaan.

~

~

Malam ni sambung lagi cari lagu la nampaknya :3

Forget everything I'm going to say.

I can see

how broken you are.

I can see

how distant you are from your mother

and how close you are to your father.

how alone you feel

and just how happy you are

when we are together.

He can see

that you were in so much pain

you lose your senses.

He can see

not everyone had it easy like he did.

He can see

that he doesn't see, or understand everything.

But he tried. He tried.

He can see

the right time to make a stupid joke

He can see

fun in the most mundane things

He can see

when something gets serious

and he'll start being serious, and will try to give his say.

We knew, you know.

You've held it within you for far too long.

I knew. Right on the first day.

Your face said it all.

One test. One invitation.

And just one response from you.

And there, I was right.

I have no intent

to make you stay, nor am I sure that I will stay.

I've seen too many departures

that in the end, I really just don't care

if anyone leaves

no matter how dear that person is to me.

It would suffice

that you, them, or anyone

will never EVER feel

the pain/sorrow/anger I've felt before.

Just no.

Your sorrow is my sorrow.

Your happiness is my happiness.

I can see

how you looked up to us.

I don't know how have I helped you

or how he did

But please remember this

we're not angels - we are merely humans.

Prone to mistakes.

Enchanted by temptations.

Worn out by despair.

Remember that He'll be watching.

Know that we'll be around.

We'll be glad to help you.

But if I have to choose

I want to set you free

just let you roam, sail through your life

fight the high tides with your own wits and faith.

You will lose us, someday

one way or another.

But don't lose youself.

Push yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself.

You've held your own, and came this far

so I know you can pull through this. Trust me.

Be strong.

Now forget everything you just read